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There was a man who worked for the Post
Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible
addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old
widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next
pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can
you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was
touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into
his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the
rounds, he had collected $96, which put into an envelope and sent to the
woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas
came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old
lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened.
It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you
enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was
able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day
and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4
missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post
Office.
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A very loud, ugly, mean-acting woman stomps
into Wal-Mart dragging her two kids behind her, screaming
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart greeter says, "Good morning and
welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there -- are
they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to
say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one he's 9 and the younger one
she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
twins? Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think
they look alike?"
"No", replies the doorman. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice!"
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Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used
it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that
I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started
becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up
with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with
bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains
came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my
attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without
being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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Ghetto Spelling Bee
Tyreal
came home from school disappointed. "I hate English, dem teachers are
always changing stuff".
Mother:
"Tyreal, have you been using bad words and writing dirty notes
again?"
Tyreal:
"Naw, momma, I sware I didn't. I used all of my spelling words in a
sentence like the teacher say, but the teacher, she gave me an "F".
1. HOTEL - My Momma said that
she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know.
2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing
bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL.
3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested
cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.
4. DISMAY - I went for a blood
test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little.
5. OMELETTE - I should punch you
for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time.
6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is
stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space.
7. MOBILE - I went to buy some
food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.
8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude
running from the! cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.
9. AFRO - I got so mad at my
girl, AFRO a lamp at her.
10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like
being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.
11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard,
I LOCKET.
12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday
was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING.
13 KENYA - I needed money for the
subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play.
15 DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach
say DATA boy.
16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is
dis BEWARE I can get a job?"
17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.
18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be
thrown out de COATROOM."
19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody
know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.
20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she
can't FASCINATE.
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They
were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that
would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,
sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in
their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink,
the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in
a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but
stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good
morning, Father, Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of
them. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were
priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even
saw them. Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in
their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous
topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking
toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning,
Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it
any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." “Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did
you know we were priests - dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's
me... Sister Mary Francis!"
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A routine police patrol parked outside a local
neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles he managed to find his own car, which he fell
into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off.Finally he started the car, switched the wipers
on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher, tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a
few inches, reversed a little and remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled
out of the parking lot and started driving slowly down the street.The
police officer, having patiently waited all this time now started up his
patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at
all.Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station, apparently this equipment is broken. "I doubt
it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught
in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so
the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The
shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He
told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all
the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home,
got down on her hands and knees and started blowing the tailpipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing
happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What
are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman
had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all
the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like
hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Despite how you may have personally felt about the
issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments
monument from
the Alabama Supreme Court building.
You cannot post things like "Thou Shall Not
Steal,"
"Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery", "Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians. It creates a hostile work environment
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that
was also a
blonde. The cop asked to see the
blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated. "What does it
look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman
replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver
finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a
cop."
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There's no nursing home in my future....when I got
old & feeble, I'm checking into the Holiday Inn! The average
cost for a nursing home is at least $188.00 per day. I've already checked
on reservations at the Holiday Inn. With a combined long-term-stay
discount & senior discount, it's $49.23 per night.
That leaves $138.77 a day for:
Breakfast, lunch &
dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities
& special TV movies. Plus Holiday Inn provides a swimming pool,
workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free
toothpaste & razors, & all have free shampoo & soap. They
treat you like a customer, not a patient. Five bucks worth of tips a
day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There's a
city bus stops out front & seniors ride free. To meet other nice
people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a
change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus & eat at one of the
nice restaurants there. While you are at the airport, fly somewhere.
Otherwise the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into a
decent nursing home. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever - you can move from Inn to
Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? It has Holiday
Inns, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need to have
the mattress replaced?
No problem! They fix
everything & apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night
security person & daily room service. The maid checks to see if you're
OK. If not, they'll call the undertaker or the ambulance. If you
fall & break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip & Holiday Inn
will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family.
They'll always be glad to find you & probably check in for a few
days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
So when I reach the
golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my e-mail to
me @holidayinn.com.
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The 2004'd Psalm
Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories,
He maketh me to lie down on park benches,
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party.
He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for
the party's sake.
I do fear the evildoers, for
thou talkest about them constantly.
Thy tax cuts
for the rich and thy deficit spending, They do discomfort me.
Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my
savings and assets
shall soon be gone.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And
my jobless child shall dwell in my basement
forever
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I
went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on,
buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued
writing the ticket. So I called him
a
pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the
second
ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about
20 minutes... the more I abused him, the
more
tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I
try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
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There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting
off the lights. Well,
after 20 years the wife felt
this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy
habit. One night, while they were in
the middle of
a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked
down ... and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a "real one" She went completely ballistic. "You
impotent bastard,"
she screamed at him, "how could
you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The
husband looked her straight in the eyes and
said
calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids.
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A
husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and
then get back on the road.
When they check out
four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man
explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the
rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the
standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the
Manager.
The
Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has
an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available
for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use
them", the man complains."Well, they are here, and you could have,"
explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they
could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The
best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and
Las
Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those
shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have",
the Manager replies. No matter what facility the
Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is
unmoved, and eventually the man
gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager
is surprised when he looks at the check."But sir," he says, "this check
is only made out for $100." "That's right," says
the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!"
exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man
replies,
"she was here, and you could have."
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A little
boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a
pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about
private matters in public.
At first he holds it
in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little
girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the
restaurant to excuse
herself from the table. So
he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go
powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to
the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl
looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little
boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl,
"You'd better close your purse because your lipstick
is hanging out."
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The old
American absentmindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and
fumbled for his passport.
"You have been to France
before Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France
before.
"Then you should know enough to have your
passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate official.
The Old Guy said that the last time he came to France
he did not have to show his passport.
"Impossible,
old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France."
The old American gave the Frenchman a
long hard look. "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha
Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944,
there was no
damned Frenchman on the beach
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the
Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are
you,
so that I may know whether or not to admit
you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi
driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and
says
to the taxidriver, "Take this silken robe
and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes
into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He
stands erect
and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow,
pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter
consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and
wooden staff and
enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work
by results,"
says Saint Peter. "While you
preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting
to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most
awful blood-curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St Peter,
"it's only someone having the holes bored on their
shoulder blades for the wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable
but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more
blood-curdling screams."Oh my God," says the old
lady, "now what's happening"? "Not to worry," says St Peter, "they are
just having their head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says
the
old lady, "I'm off down to hell." "You can't
go there," says St Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Yes, but
I've already got the holes for that."
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a
long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her
friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
----------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was
really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the
moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They
searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man
back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they
found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax
from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your
wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and
attached to her butt was an oyster and it was a pearl worth $50,000 ..
.please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the
trap"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot
in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs
or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope
I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good
measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who's at the door."
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The
priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens
and one cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the parish
manse. One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing,
and as that was the time the priest suspected
cockfights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it
at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anyone got a cock? "All the men stood up. "No,
no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the
women stood up. "No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant,
either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't
belong to them? "Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said. "Perhaps I
should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up.
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A defense
attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a
felony trial -- it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client
fleeing the scene?
A. No
sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided
this description?
A. The
officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided
the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow
officers?
A. Yes sir,
with my life.
Q. With
your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker
room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker
in that room?
A. Yes sir,
I do.
Q. And do you have
a lock on your locker?
A.
Yes sir.
Q. Now why is
it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you
find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same
officers?
A. You see sir,
we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have
been known to walk through that room
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Breasts"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one Saturday afternoon, a
local west Texas cowboy had ridden his horse into the nearby town of Pecos
and stopped at the local watering hole. While seated at the bar having a
beer, in walked an old Indian and a devout Muslim, dressed with turban and
all. Both persons went to the bar and took a stool on either side of the
cowboy. Eventually, their conversation drifted around to their varying
cultures of history and background. The native American stated, "Once my
people were many, but now we are few." The Muslim then chimed in and said,
"Once my people were few, but now we are many." The cowboy glanced at the
Indian a moment, then he looked directly at the Muslim and said with a sly
grin, "That's cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims yet."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE STOCK MARKET EXPLAINED
Bull Market - A random market movement causing an
investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids
get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high
and selling low.
Value Investing - The art of
buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio - The
percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Broker -What my broker has done to me.
"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market
recommendations as you step off the plane.
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets
equally between themselves.
Financial Planner - A
guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet
paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction - The day
after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement
your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Call Option - Something people used to do with a
telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Day
Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Cisco
- Sidekick of Pancho.
Yahoo - What you yell after
selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the
sucker that bought Yahoo @ 240 per share.
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now
locked up in a nuthouse.
Profit - Religious guy
who talks to God.
Bill Gates - Where God goes for
a loan.
Alan Greenspan - God
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a golf tour in Ireland,
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the
Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish
manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. Top of the mornin' to
yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward
to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt
pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey
for ?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm
driving", says Tiger. "I'll be damned", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at
BMW tink of everything!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"
THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM -EVERYONE SAY IT
WITH ME ...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my
friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I
do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going
to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift
certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford
will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than
50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift
certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old
Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an
e-mail -NEVER--NEVER !!
7) There is NO SUCH THING
as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that
someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more
people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the
Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7
years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY
MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
9) The
government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they
named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us five
cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be
NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,characters, or program
that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP,
ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT
donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of
disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross
RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT
let others "guilt" me into sending things by telling me I am not their
friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a
message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC
to pass it on!
*** Now,
repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and then send it
along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will
surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will
fall out!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was out walking one day and went by a
retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking
in the sun in lounge
chairs. When he looked closer
he realized that they were all stark naked. He went to the door and rang
the bell. When the director answered the
door, the
man asked if he realized there were 9 naked old ladies laying in the sun
on the front lawn. The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that
the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home,
and they were having a yard sale.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket
theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first." The young
priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more
beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported
you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to
the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest, "I am
pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly
priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru
Confessional."
But Father," protested the young
priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know
son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or
Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it
necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was
actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal
police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS,
IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now Congress is considering a proposal for
another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service."Can't you see it now? The new service in their black uniforms
with their initials in large white letters across their backs?
FATASS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newlywed couple had only been married for two
weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, coochy cooh...?"
asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a
beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband
didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying
was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen
glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took
a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills
just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie
roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You
want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey...at the bar...you
know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty
words, cutie pie?"...
..."LISTEN, D_ _KHEAD!
DRINK YOUR F_ _KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF_
_KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! .....GOT IT, A_ _HOLE?!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men
when along came a guy named Vinny from New York. I'm not hiring any
wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that
Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse
him the job without getting into a dispute. "Here's your first question,"
the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Widout
numbiz?" Vinny says. "No problum- dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3
trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you
got any brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the
Boss "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use
the number 99." Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the
picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?" Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty
tree 'n dirty tree' n dirty tree-dat's 99". The Boss is getting worried
he's going to have to hire he New Yorker, so hesays, "All right, last
question. Same rules, but this time use 100." Vinny stares into space
again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the
base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, one hunnert." The Boss looks
at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that
represents 100!" New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at
the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a dump on
each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a
turd, dirty tree an' a turd which makes one hundred.Bada boom , bada bing.
When do I freakin' start?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How
do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it
didn't move," answered the child innocently "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher
exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
__________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five
minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of
water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I
told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can
you bring a drink of water?"
______________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_____________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"
she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at
last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
______________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get
into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!". I replied, "Yes,
honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she
replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
_______________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What
are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework,
Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the
next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you
teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the
teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus
two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu
that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for
a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen
nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We
only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can
order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head & left.
================================================================
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a
few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of
those "Dividers" that they keep
by the cash register and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of
my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she
said to me "Do you know
how much this is?" and I
said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She
said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened...
============================================================
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside
her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should
have replaced the
battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
distant convenient store) would have a battery to
fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?"
I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries it's a long walk.
===========================================================
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too
swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm
almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just
use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern
took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.
===========================================================
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large
motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and
the whole thing generally
looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the "cruise
control" and then went in the back to make a
sandwich.
===========================================================
IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke --49
cents. Two for a dollar.
===========================================================
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS My neighbor works in the
operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in
the field call him when
they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire
downtown?"
============================================================
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE I was sitting in my science
class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest
day of the
year. My lab partner became visibly
excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of
daylight changes, not the actual amount of
time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
=============================================================
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Israeli stud is out picking up chicks in Tel
Aviv one night. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a blonde
hottie. So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.
Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to
last as long as possible. He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights
up a cigarette and asks her, "So ... you finish?" After a slight pause she
replies, "No." Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls
back on
top of her, and has his way with her
again, this time lasting even longer than the last ... and this time
completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a
cigarette, and asks, "So ... you finish?" And again, after a short pause,
she simply says, "No." Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho
pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du
jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster, he barely manages to
end the task, but he does; after quite some time with energy spent. Barely
able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and
then asks, "So you finish?"
To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm
Swedish."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section
of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose,
and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she
is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman
sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders
quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet
again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently
again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman
and says," Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a
tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me
signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I
disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an
orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more
curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for
it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man
goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you
grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food
like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of
you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No
problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.
I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled
and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the
Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says,
"I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a
daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh,
yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a
cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of
bed."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
cruise ship sinks and three men make it to an uninhabited island. The
first man, a Christian, tears two branches from a palm
tree, creates a cross, and prays to the Lord to be
saved from the island. The second man, a Muslim, pulls several
fronds from the palm tree, creates a mat, kneels facing Mecca, and prays
to Allah to save him. The third man falls asleep under the palm tree. The
other two can't understand how this man could remain so calm and serene -
and ask him how he could be so at ease.
He
answers: "Two years ago I gave $1,000,000 to the Jewish Federation. Last
year I gave $2,000,000. This year I pledged
$3,000,000. Don't worry, they'll find me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So
let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came
home from work early and found your
wife in bed with a strange
man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the
prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did
you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed
easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every
day!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
pipe burst in a doctor's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This
is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber
quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Who
was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.
Noah, he was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the
Bible?
A. Pharoah's daughter-she went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What
kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A.
Ruth-less.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the
Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the
land.
A. Honda... because the apostles were all in one
Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a
Volkswagen Beetle:
"We are pressed in every way, but not cramped
beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the
Bible?
A. Samson-he brought the house down.
Q.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In
the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out
Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home.
Q. What is one of the first things
that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They
really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to
his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your
mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories,
and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did
they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They
used floodlights.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A. David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. What
do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What
is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go
straight.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially
wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan - the banks were always
overflowing.
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the
Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharoah's court.
Q: What
is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
A: It's
in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty
years.
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A:
Joshua, son of Nun.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill
Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being
sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm
not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you
enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in
the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to
do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let
you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God.
What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you
visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but
where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to
Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill
was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY
want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was
a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and
singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a
quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell,"
he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates
went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in
Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames
in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's
everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded, his voice full of
anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I
expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that
other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the
water?" God says, "That was the screen saver".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the
Vatican.To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive
erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician. "Doctor, this
should not be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope,
and
I'm celibate! I haven't had one of these for 30 years!" The doctor's reply
was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will
happen even to you from time to time". The Pope exclaimed "But you must do
something about this!
I have mass in an hour, and
this thing isn't going away!" The doctor replied "You have two options...
either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go
away,which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go
into the toilet over there and relieve yourself." Fearing the injection,
the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknownst to him, a paparazzi
photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches
that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping
away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the
photographer, and begin to beat him up. The paparazzo shouts out, "Hey, I
thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your
forgiveness?" Upon reflection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and
relents, saying "Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you.
Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the
scandal of what is contained on the film
to
be seen in the outside world." Never slow to take an opportunity, the
photographer replies, "But this is how I make my living! If you take my
camera, I'll lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!" The
Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. "Very well, we will compensate you. How
about $100,000?" Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The
Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his
penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peter's,
with the offending camera around his neck. Out on his walk, he meets
a Japanese tourist: "Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr.
Pope," says the man, "how much you pay for it?" "Being the Pope, I
cannot tell a lie," he replies, "I must confess that I paid $100,000 for
it." "Ah," says the Japanese gentleman, "look like someone saw
you
coming!"
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